Dear Bill Clinton......Dear Bill Clinton,
I know you would like everyone to watch the show and buy your book. I probably won't do either. I know that's OK and not a big deal, and it's not going to bother you if I write this letter to you. I just feel like doing it.
Look, there is no question that you have star quality. You are right up there with Britney Spears, Madonna, Cher and Elizabeth Taylor. Star quality does not come any higher.
But you've got a problem you've just got to face. I know you want everyone to love you, but I have to tell you, guy, it is just not going to happen.
Let's see. Back in 1998, 1999 and 2000, what did polling data show? Maybe a third of the country despised and hated your guts with great passion, a third of the country totally adored you, and the remaining third was more neutral.
I know there is now a modest amount of water over the dam, and time is moving on.
Yes, time is moving on, but the problem is you are opening your mouth again. If you want more people to love you, I think you will be better off if you just keep it shut.
But you won't, Bill Clinton, will you? You just won't. You just can't keep from opening your mouth and shoving yourself in people's faces once again.
That's fine for those who love you. You can shove all you want in their face and they will just love you more. You seem to have this crazy idea, however, that if you shove yourself enough in the face of those who do not love you, you can somehow make them love you.
I repeat. I do not think this is going to happen.
I know the country just witnessed the passing of Reagan. I am sure you were quite taken by the boundless affection there was for the Gipper, and you had a hankering for the same. You must have said to yourself, "That massive affection is great and moving. Why should not I, Bill Clinton, also have that affection?"
Well, maybe if you get Alzheimer's, and die at 93, by that time you will have that affection. But again I highly recommend you keep your mouth closed until that time.
But you won't. You just won't let go of coming back and coming back and sticking your face in people's faces and sticking your face in people's faces. Sort of like LBJ buttonholing or browbeating or arm twisting to get his way. Or better yet, LBJ having someone stand by the open bathroom door to take instructions from LBJ while LBJ was on the toilet defecating.
It's just offensive. Right? OK?
No, not right, not OK, you say. You say it is not like you sitting on the toilet defecating and speaking to the country and asking them to listen to you while you sit on the toilet.
Well, I say it is.
Now I am a nobody, so that's no problem.
But I still say it is.
Do you want to know why?
Probably not, but I will tell you anyway.
It really gets down to basics. Not policy wonk stuff. No expert, specialized knowledge required here.
Just like you, I have a male sex organ. You know, that little head that sometimes rules the big head. The thing that gets hard and that wants to stick itself in the crotches of women and other places. You know. All we males have, and know about them, and women do too.
We all know that, where our male sex organs go, our hearts and minds have a troubling tendency of following. I get into my secretary's skirt, and my wife is at risk that I am going to dump her and the kids and lavish whatever I've got to get in that skirt a whole lot more times.
Bill Clinton, the whole world knows that once a guy has succumbed to his male sex organ there is no telling what he will do. He can dump his family, quit his job, run off to Tahiti, steal from his partners, steal from the government, abandon principles, etc., etc.
There is just no telling, and as a result there is good reason for little trusting when it comes to a guy succumbing to his male organ.
A wife wants assurances that her husband is taking care of and will continue to take care of the family, and assurances that that is not undermined by his succumbing to his male organ.
Just as a wife can doubt whether her husband has and will have his heart and mind committed to doing the best to take care of family obligations if the husband has gotten his male organ involved somewhere else, so too can a country and its citizens have doubts about where the heart and mind of their leader is if the leader's male organ has gotten the better of the leader.
There is no doubting that your male organ got the better of you, big time.
Once the male organ is in control, as I said, there is no telling.
I think it was old Henry Kissinger who said power was the ultimate aphrodisiac. A guy who has succumbed to his male organ can easily be suspected of craving the ultimate aphrodisiac of power and of doing anything, sacrificing anything and betraying anything to obtain that ultimate aphrodisiac. He can be especially suspected of susceptibility to the legalized bribery of campaign contributions that are needed to get the power, and of not acting on any principle regarding anything except what will get him the power, the aphrodisiac and the accompanying means to get his male organ taken care of.
Bill Clinton, I repeat, the subject of the male organ is not policy wonk stuff. We all know about it as well as you. All the books and all the "60 Minutes" interviews in the world will not change the basic questions that need to be honestly answered to people who know about the male organ, and those questions are, "Did Bill Clinton put his male organ's interests ahead of the interests of the country, and, if so, exactly how egregiously and wrongfully did he do that, and was it wrong for the country and Ken Starr to want information on these matters in order to reach conclusions for themselves?"
Try to think honestly about those questions, and answer them honestly.
If you don't, all else is dishonesty, and you will never be able to get everyone in the country to love a dishonest person.
I mean, I come home and say to my wife, "Honey, I got my male organ into Wanda at the office and I think I am super charged up to earn tons more money to make a much better life for you and the kids." Do you really think my wife is going to buy into that? No, she is going to say, "Sweetheart, you go right ahead and stick your male organ in Wanda as much as you want, but don't give me this BS. Pack your suitcase and leave the keys to the house on the table, along with your bank account passbooks and credit cards. My lawyer will be in touch with you, and don't you worry a thing about taking care of me and the kids. We'll do just fine taking care of ourselves. But don't insult me with your BS."
So, pardon me if I am a little skeptical of how much your heart and mind was in doing right by me and the country as you went about getting your male organ serviced. I have no idea how much principle you sacrificed and how much you compromised in getting campaign contributions and how much you sold the country down the river, all in the name of acquiring power, gaining the ultimate aphrodisiac and getting your male organ serviced. Will your book tell me that if I read it? Somehow I don't think so.
But like my wife, I can recognize BS, and you are one of its all-time-great performing artists. Your new "badge of honor" reference is a classic here and needs to be nominated to the BS hall of fame.
In all events, enjoy your life and your millions and millions of dollars. No hard feelings. Really.
Robert D. Shattuck, Jr.
Mr. Shattuck writes from Birmingham, Alabama.
Copyright © 2004 The Baltimore Chronicle. All rights reserved.
Republication or redistribution of Baltimore Chronicle content is expressly prohibited without their prior written consent.
This story was published on June 23, 2004.
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