Newspaper logo  
 
 
Local News & Opinion

Ref. : Civic Events

Ref. : Arts & Education Events

Ref. : Public Service Notices

Travel
Books, Films, Arts & Education

08.21 The Law-School Scam

Letters
Open Letters:

Ref. : Letters to the editor

Health Care & Environment

08.22 Ebola crisis: This is why '75%' of victims are women

08.22 Global warming slowdown answer lies in depths of Atlantic, study finds [chart]

08.20 The Amazing Benefits of Daydreaming on the Mind

08.20 The High Cost of Cheap Meat

08.20 Renewables produce record high electricity for UK in 2014

08.20 Criticism over Great Barrier Reef deals for Gina Rinehart's mining company

08.20 World leaders 'failing to help' over Ebola outbreak in Africa

08.20 Global warming denial rears its ugly head around the world, in English

08.19 Brave New Recycling Economy: Movement Turns Trash to Treasure

08.19 UK lobbying to keep open one of Europe's dirtiest coal power stations

08.18 How to Talk About Climate Change So People Will Listen

08.18 Ebola patients flee as Liberia clinic looted

08.18 New Plant Language Discovered

08.18 Tony Abbott's push to ditch renewables could hand coal and gas industry $10bn

08.18 Plans for one of Australia’s largest solar power stations scrapped

News Media

08.21 Radio Silence Is Union Strategy at Baltimore Public Broadcasting Station

Daily FAIR Blog
The Daily Howler

Justice Matters

08.21 Bank Settlement Grade Inflation: High Bullshit to Cash Ratio in $17 Billion Bank of America Deal

08.21 US sailors prepare for fresh legal challenge over Fukushima radiation

08.21 Ferguson: Eric Holder says justice will be upheld in Michael Brown case

08.19 36,000 Madoff Victims Have Not Received a Dime in Restitution; 1,129 Fully Reimbursed [Justice?]

08.16 Chinese human rights lawyer starved in solitary confinement, his wife says

US Politics, Policy & Culture

08.22 Microsoft Leaves ALEC: Horsetrading & The Price to Pay

08.22 We have more than just a campus rape problem. There is invisible rape all over

08.21 How a Widely Beloved Tax Deduction Really Just Benefits the Well-Off and Exacerbates Inequality

08.21 From Anarchists to Tibetan Monks, Here Are Some of the Outsiders Joining Protests in Ferguson [video]

08.21 Meet the climate deniers who want to be president

08.21 New report details depth of hunger crisis in the United States

08.21 Mapping the Spread of the Military’s Surplus Gear [interactive map]

08.20 The New Jim Crow: Has the Right finally Repealed the Civil Rights Act?

08.20 How Your Pension Fund Became a Casino

08.20 Americans eat most of their meals alone

08.20 Nothing works in Ferguson. Here's how to fix a police force – and punish cops

08.19 Every item distributed to local law enforcement by the Pentagon's 1033 program over two years [What could go wrong?]

08.19 Ferguson: 31 arrested as huge show of force fails to quell unrest

High Crimes?

08.22 Gaza counts cost of war as more than 360 factories destroyed or damaged

08.19 100,000 Elephants Killed by Poachers in Just Three Years, Landmark Analysis Finds

Economics, Crony Capitalism

08.20 Ferguson's race injustices have their roots in economic inequality

08.19 Why We Fight Wars

08.19 Engineering Failed States: The Strategy of Global Corporate Imperialism

International

08.22 Rise in sexual offences reported on Britain's rail network, figures show

08.22 The rise in sexual offences on trains shows how rife misogyny is

08.22 Syrian civil war death toll rises to more than 191,300, according to UN

08.22 Iraqi and Kurdish forces launch attacks to recapture towns from Isis

08.22 Pentagon: Isis is 'beyond anything we've seen'

08.21 Inequality Delusions [graphic]

08.21 James Foley: US reveals failed special forces rescue mission within Syria

08.19 Robots Rising [ginormous graphic]

08.19 Ron Wyden: It's Time To Kill The Third Party Doctrine And Go Back To Respecting Privacy

08.19 The Drama of Sinjar: Escaping the Islamic State in Iraq

08.18 Female Warriors and U.S. Airstrikes Help Kurds Take Back Crucial Iraqi Dam

08.18 Under Occupation: The Shortest Distance Between Palestine and Ferguson

08.18 Julian Assange has had his human rights violated, says Ecuador foreign minister

08.17 Global Parenting Habits That Haven't Caught On In The U.S.

08.17 Kurds in bid to retake Mosul dam

08.17 Brave New Recycling Economy: Movement Turns Trash to Treasure

We are a non-profit Internet-only newspaper publication founded in 1973. Your donation is essential to our survival.

You can also mail a check to:
Baltimore News Network, Inc.
P.O. Box 42581
Baltimore, MD 21284-2581
Google
This site Web
  Print view: A Crock Pot Tax-Exempt Idea
FACT-BASED FISCAL SATIRE:

A Crock Pot Tax-Exempt Idea

by Walter Brasch
A Government Accountability Office analysis showed that almost three-fifths of all American-based corporations pay no federal taxes.

A wall of suffocating heat nearly vaporized me as I walked into Marshbaum's house. In the kitchen was a portable kiln spewing fiery venom that was curling the linoleum. In the den, wildly pumping a potter's wheel flinging clay all over the room, was Marshbaum.

“Got a new hobby?” I asked from a puddle of water that I assumed was what was left of my body.

“Hobby, nothing!” shouted Marshbaum over the noise. “This is my path to fame and fortune.”

“Every one of your fame-and-fortune paths has ended in a cul-de-sac,” I reminded him. “You scamming the public into believing that slops of glazed clay dipped into leftover house paint are the last sculpture of a dying genius?”

“They're cookie jars,” said Marshbaum, wounded.

“Still looks like schlock to me,” I suggested.

“Work with me on this,” Marshbaum commanded. “It could result in a column for you.”

So I played straightman while Marshbaum threw pots together. “Who,” I asked skeptically, “is going to buy ersatz cookie jars?”

“Corporations,” he replied smugly.

“For gifts?”

“For receipts. Taxpayers keep their receipts in cookie jars,” Marshbaum explained, “so why not corporations? It’ll help them avoid paying any taxes. It’s easy. It’s simple. It’s—”

“Probably illegal.”

“It’s in the Tax Code,” said Marshbaum. “Individuals pay; corporations don’t.”

“I doubt the IRS Code says anything like that.”

There are four million words in the IRS Tax Code, but only a few thousand of them apply to lower- and middle-class Americans. The rest of the Code tells the wealthy and their corporations how to avoid paying taxes.

“There are four million words in the IRS Tax Code,” said Marshbaum. “Lower-class and middle-class Americans get a few thousand of those words. The rest of the Code is a roadmap to help the wealthy and their corporations avoid paying taxes.”

“The IRS encourages corporations to cheat?”

“No, Congress does that. It writes the code to give rebates, tax deferments, subsidies, and all kinds of tax shelters that only the wealthy and their corporations can take advantage of. It’s just a way to reward their friends.”

“But, it’s the people who vote for their representatives,” I said naively.

“You think some homeless vet can afford to donate to Sen. Sludgepump’s campaign? You think Rep. Bilgewater even listens to the opinions of the impoverished and disenfranchised? Why do you think the Republicans want to cut into Medicare and Medicaid?”

“To balance the budget?”

“Because, Ink Breath, the rich don’t need those programs. That’s also why they want to cut funding for public education. The rich can afford private schools. The poor can’t. Besides, you can’t have an educated population of middle-class citizens. They might do something un-American, like actually learn something about the issues.”

The issue, said Marshbaum, slinging clay and getting high on pot fumes, is that Congress allows the rich to realize their dreams--greed is not only good, it’s encouraged.

Marshbaum explained that a Government Accountability Office analysis showed that almost three-fifths of all American-based corporations pay no federal taxes. The GAO study didn’t identify individual companies. Marshbaum, with the help of the Securities and Exchange Commission and Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), did.

Pretending that the international crisis-of-the-week has led to the highest gas prices in years, the oil companies—smirks of greed tucked neatly into their wallets—made record profits, paid no taxes, and even received rebates and refunds from the IRS. Exxon Mobil made $19 billion in profits in 2009, paid no taxes, but received a $156 million rebate. Chevron made $10 billion, paid no taxes, and received a $19 million refund. ConocoPhillips during a three-year period, had a $16 billion profit, paid no taxes, and received a $451 million tax break. Valero Energy had $68 billion in sales, and a $157 million tax refund.

General Electric had a $26 billion profit in five years, and a $4.1 billion refund. Boeing, tucked into bed with a $30 billion Defense Department contract, got a $124 million refund to sleep better.

Even those that received taxpayer-supported bailouts, after being a major cause of the sub-prime housing debacle, made profits, paid seven-figure executive bonuses, and received refunds. Bank of America scammed the people for a $1 trillion bailout, made a $4.4 billion profit, and received a $1.9 billion tax refund.

CitiGroup, with a $2.5 trillion bailout, paid no taxes on a $4 billion profit. Goldman Sachs and Carnival Cruises were model corporate citizens by paying all of 1.1 percent taxes. Goldman Sachs had a $2.3 billion profit on an $800 billion bailout; Carnival, which took passengers and the taxpayers on a cruise, made $11 billion in profit over five years.

“Assuming everything you say is true, how does your overpriced crock pot cookie jar allow the rich to cook the books to avoid paying taxes?”

“Because it comes with extras,” said an enthusiastic Marshbaum. “With every 25 jars, you get a scanner and software that I created. All you have to do is scan the receipts, and my patent-pending pot-ware zooms through the receipts to match the tax code and declare that the rich guy and his even richer corporation are tax-exempt.” The best part, said Marshbaum, is that corporations will be able to lay off thousands of six-figure income CPAs in order to maximize their profits.

“But wouldn’t that just increase the problem we already have with unemployment?” I asked.

“Not when the accountants and auditors—the ones who know all the corporate secrets—realize that the government pays 15 to 30 percent of all money it collects from whistleblower tips. They may never have to work again.”

“You’re brilliant,” I said, commending my pot-throwing friend. “Just brilliant.”


For decades, Walter Brasch has used cookie jars to collect his tax receipts, much to his wife’s and accountant’s annoyance. His next book is Before the First Snow, a work of journalistic fiction that explores war in the Gulf, the peace movements, and the effects of “clean” nuclear energy. The book is available from Amazon.com for pre-orders.



Copyright © 2010 The Baltimore News Network. All rights reserved.

Republication or redistribution of Baltimore Chronicle content is expressly prohibited without their prior written consent.

Baltimore News Network, Inc., sponsor of this web site, is a nonprofit organization and does not make political endorsements. The opinions expressed in stories posted on this web site are the authors' own.

This story was published in the Baltimore Chronicle on April 14, 2011.

 


Public Service Ads: