Newspaper logo  
 
 
Local Gov’t Stories, Events

Ref. : Civic Events

Ref. : Arts & Education Events

Ref. : Public Service Notices

Futurism
Books, Films, Arts & Education
Letters

Ref. : Letters to the editor

Health Care & Environment

06.23 From heatwaves to hurricanes, floods to famine: seven climate change hotspots

06.23 Latest diesel car models remain highly polluting, tests show

06.23 Norway issues $1bn threat to Brazil over rising Amazon destruction [Good!]

06.22 Al Gore: battle against climate change is like fight against slavery [videos]

06.22 Top global banks still lend billions to extract fossil fuels [who holds the debt when the music stops?]

06.22 Australian health groups urge coal phase-out and strong emissions reduction

06.22 Tories aim to block full EU ban on bee-harming pesticides [what could go wrong...]

06.22 Route to recovery: how people overcome an opioid addiction

06.21 U.S. Coastal Cities Will Flood More Often and More Severely, Study Warns

06.21 London mayor issues emergency air quality alert amid heatwave

06.21 Exxon, BP and Shell back carbon tax proposal to curb emissions

06.21 Climate goals: inside California's effort to overhaul its ambitious emissions plan

06.20 We Can’t Fight Climate Change if We Keep Lying to Ourselves

06.20 A third of the world now faces deadly heatwaves as result of climate change

News Media Matters

Daily: FAIR Blog
The Daily Howler

US Politics, Policy & 'Culture'

06.24 Medicaid cuts in the Senate healthcare bill are going to hit some states hard – here's who will feel it

06.24 Elizabeth Warren Says Key Thing to Know About Trumpcare Bill: 'This Is Blood Money' [video]

06.24 How the Senate's Health-Care Bill Would Cause Financial Ruin for People With Preexisting Conditions

06.24 Watch Elizabeth Warren nail exactly what Planned Parenthood does — and why we need it

06.24 Late-night hosts blast Trumpcare: 'Needless suffering for low and middle-income people'

06.23 THE INTELLECTUAL UNDERPINNING OF A “MEAN” REPUBLICAN PARTY

06.23 Single-Payer Healthcare for California Is, In Fact, Very Doable

06.23 Why The Koch Brothers Have So Much Influence On Trump: It Starts With Pence

06.23 Thomas Frank on the Demise of the Democratic Party [15:52 video; excellent, make full screen]

06.23 Exxon, Stephen Hawking, greens, and Reagan’s advisors agree on a carbon tax

06.23 Obama attacks Republican health bill as 'massive transfer of wealth' to the rich

06.22 Industry Was Doubly Generous With These 13 GOP Senators Now Drafting Trumpcare

06.22 3 mn will own 70% of US Wealth generated by 320 mn by 2021

06.22 Is American Childhood Creating an Authoritarian Society?

06.22 Leftwing Democrats say Jon Ossoff loss shows 'massive failure' of party's elites

Justice Matters

06.23 This North Carolina Law Is Straight Out of “The Handmaid’s Tale” [legal immorality...]

06.23 The Supreme Court Defends the Integrity of U.S. Citizenship

High Crimes?

06.23 'I buried my smallest child under a bush': starvation and sorrow in South Sudan

Economics, Crony Capitalism

06.23 Exclusive: Fake online stores reveal gamblers' shadow banking system

06.22 Top global banks still lend billions to extract fossil fuels [who holds the debt when the music stops?]

06.21 Gaius Publius: Finding the Greater Fool — The Elite Logic Behind “Going Over the Climate Cliff”

06.19 European commission to crack down on offshore tax avoidance [Trump is likely to further facilitate tax avoidance]

International & Futurism

06.24 Turkish schools to stop teaching evolution, official says [“Stupid is as stupid does.” – Forrest Gump]

06.24 In a world ruled by rumour, it is vital that scientists speak with humility and clarity

06.24 Only 2% of US Politicians Actually Want to Stop Arming Terrorists — Here’s Why [our pro-gun culture spillith over]

06.23 Iran nuclear chief warns US over support for Saudi Arabia

06.23 Rival groups vie for supremacy as fight against Isis reaches tipping point

06.23 Farms hit by labour shortage as migrant workers shun 'racist' UK

06.22 Israel vs. the United Nations: The Nikki Haley Doctrine

06.22 All Signs from Trump Point to a Coming Conflict with Iran [war doesn't "fix" anything; it can only make more war]

06.22 You Do Not Think Alone [be selective of what and who influences your "hive mind"]

06.21 Trump's silence after the London mosque attack speaks volumes

06.21 Drive to get children back to school failing worldwide

06.20 Power Causes Brain Damage [The powerful could mentally put their OCD-for-power aside to have empathy (again?) if they tried]

We are a non-profit Internet-only newspaper publication founded in 1973. Your donation is essential to our survival.

You can also mail a check to:
Baltimore News Network, Inc.
P.O. Box 42581
Baltimore, MD 21284-2581
Google
This site Web
  Print view: A Crock Pot Tax-Exempt Idea
FACT-BASED FISCAL SATIRE:

A Crock Pot Tax-Exempt Idea

by Walter Brasch
A Government Accountability Office analysis showed that almost three-fifths of all American-based corporations pay no federal taxes.

A wall of suffocating heat nearly vaporized me as I walked into Marshbaum's house. In the kitchen was a portable kiln spewing fiery venom that was curling the linoleum. In the den, wildly pumping a potter's wheel flinging clay all over the room, was Marshbaum.

“Got a new hobby?” I asked from a puddle of water that I assumed was what was left of my body.

“Hobby, nothing!” shouted Marshbaum over the noise. “This is my path to fame and fortune.”

“Every one of your fame-and-fortune paths has ended in a cul-de-sac,” I reminded him. “You scamming the public into believing that slops of glazed clay dipped into leftover house paint are the last sculpture of a dying genius?”

“They're cookie jars,” said Marshbaum, wounded.

“Still looks like schlock to me,” I suggested.

“Work with me on this,” Marshbaum commanded. “It could result in a column for you.”

So I played straightman while Marshbaum threw pots together. “Who,” I asked skeptically, “is going to buy ersatz cookie jars?”

“Corporations,” he replied smugly.

“For gifts?”

“For receipts. Taxpayers keep their receipts in cookie jars,” Marshbaum explained, “so why not corporations? It’ll help them avoid paying any taxes. It’s easy. It’s simple. It’s—”

“Probably illegal.”

“It’s in the Tax Code,” said Marshbaum. “Individuals pay; corporations don’t.”

“I doubt the IRS Code says anything like that.”

There are four million words in the IRS Tax Code, but only a few thousand of them apply to lower- and middle-class Americans. The rest of the Code tells the wealthy and their corporations how to avoid paying taxes.

“There are four million words in the IRS Tax Code,” said Marshbaum. “Lower-class and middle-class Americans get a few thousand of those words. The rest of the Code is a roadmap to help the wealthy and their corporations avoid paying taxes.”

“The IRS encourages corporations to cheat?”

“No, Congress does that. It writes the code to give rebates, tax deferments, subsidies, and all kinds of tax shelters that only the wealthy and their corporations can take advantage of. It’s just a way to reward their friends.”

“But, it’s the people who vote for their representatives,” I said naively.

“You think some homeless vet can afford to donate to Sen. Sludgepump’s campaign? You think Rep. Bilgewater even listens to the opinions of the impoverished and disenfranchised? Why do you think the Republicans want to cut into Medicare and Medicaid?”

“To balance the budget?”

“Because, Ink Breath, the rich don’t need those programs. That’s also why they want to cut funding for public education. The rich can afford private schools. The poor can’t. Besides, you can’t have an educated population of middle-class citizens. They might do something un-American, like actually learn something about the issues.”

The issue, said Marshbaum, slinging clay and getting high on pot fumes, is that Congress allows the rich to realize their dreams--greed is not only good, it’s encouraged.

Marshbaum explained that a Government Accountability Office analysis showed that almost three-fifths of all American-based corporations pay no federal taxes. The GAO study didn’t identify individual companies. Marshbaum, with the help of the Securities and Exchange Commission and Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.), did.

Pretending that the international crisis-of-the-week has led to the highest gas prices in years, the oil companies—smirks of greed tucked neatly into their wallets—made record profits, paid no taxes, and even received rebates and refunds from the IRS. Exxon Mobil made $19 billion in profits in 2009, paid no taxes, but received a $156 million rebate. Chevron made $10 billion, paid no taxes, and received a $19 million refund. ConocoPhillips during a three-year period, had a $16 billion profit, paid no taxes, and received a $451 million tax break. Valero Energy had $68 billion in sales, and a $157 million tax refund.

General Electric had a $26 billion profit in five years, and a $4.1 billion refund. Boeing, tucked into bed with a $30 billion Defense Department contract, got a $124 million refund to sleep better.

Even those that received taxpayer-supported bailouts, after being a major cause of the sub-prime housing debacle, made profits, paid seven-figure executive bonuses, and received refunds. Bank of America scammed the people for a $1 trillion bailout, made a $4.4 billion profit, and received a $1.9 billion tax refund.

CitiGroup, with a $2.5 trillion bailout, paid no taxes on a $4 billion profit. Goldman Sachs and Carnival Cruises were model corporate citizens by paying all of 1.1 percent taxes. Goldman Sachs had a $2.3 billion profit on an $800 billion bailout; Carnival, which took passengers and the taxpayers on a cruise, made $11 billion in profit over five years.

“Assuming everything you say is true, how does your overpriced crock pot cookie jar allow the rich to cook the books to avoid paying taxes?”

“Because it comes with extras,” said an enthusiastic Marshbaum. “With every 25 jars, you get a scanner and software that I created. All you have to do is scan the receipts, and my patent-pending pot-ware zooms through the receipts to match the tax code and declare that the rich guy and his even richer corporation are tax-exempt.” The best part, said Marshbaum, is that corporations will be able to lay off thousands of six-figure income CPAs in order to maximize their profits.

“But wouldn’t that just increase the problem we already have with unemployment?” I asked.

“Not when the accountants and auditors—the ones who know all the corporate secrets—realize that the government pays 15 to 30 percent of all money it collects from whistleblower tips. They may never have to work again.”

“You’re brilliant,” I said, commending my pot-throwing friend. “Just brilliant.”


For decades, Walter Brasch has used cookie jars to collect his tax receipts, much to his wife’s and accountant’s annoyance. His next book is Before the First Snow, a work of journalistic fiction that explores war in the Gulf, the peace movements, and the effects of “clean” nuclear energy. The book is available from Amazon.com for pre-orders.



Copyright © 2010 The Baltimore News Network. All rights reserved.

Republication or redistribution of Baltimore Chronicle content is expressly prohibited without their prior written consent.

Baltimore News Network, Inc., sponsor of this web site, is a nonprofit organization and does not make political endorsements. The opinions expressed in stories posted on this web site are the authors' own.

This story was published in the Baltimore Chronicle on April 14, 2011.

 

Public Service Ads: