Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proved once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for Christmas breakfast. After looking over the menu, he says "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks his waiter "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings back to him "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told him he was average, she was just mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other "Are you all right?," to which the other responds "No, I lost an electron." The first asks "Are you sure?," to which the other responds "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused his dentist's Novocaine during a root canal procedure? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked. "Because," he replied, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in a open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of
the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men, one sitting under a tree reading a book and the other typing away at a typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of beasts knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hopes that at least one pun would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy!
What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."