When we were growing up, many of us learned about love from the world of Disney. But, as it turns out, achieving such a happy ending is much more difficult than in fairy tales. Will your relationship be happy? There are signs of divorce that are worth paying attention to, according to relationship coach Alex Scott.
Content Harbingers of divorce: signs that your relationship will not last long Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling Harbingers of divorce: what to do if you notice these signs?
Those who have studied psychology will understand that these “four horsemen” are the same ones that were coined by John Gottman, a professor who specializes in marital stability. WomanEL will share them with you so that you always avoid this behavior in your marriage and protect your family from breaking up:
Divorce Precursors: Signs Your Relationship Won't Last
Based on these indicators alone, Scott is able to predict with 93.6 accuracy whether a couple will separate in the future or not:
Criticism
Everyone complains; it's a natural part of our daily lives. Complaining about someone is, of course, wonderful; You have to be a very strong person not to comment on the fact that your partner is always late. However, criticism is something else entirely; it corrodes and attacks your partner's core personality. For example: “You're late because you don't care about me.”
In this case, complaints are viewed in the context of your partner's shortcomings, striking at his heart and signaling that the end of your relationship will come sooner rather than later. later.
Contempt
Gottman explains that contempt can take the form of name-calling, eye-rolling, ridicule, mockery, and hostile humor. Whatever its form, contempt—the worst of the four horsemen—is toxic to relationships because it conveys disgust.
It is almost impossible to resolve the problem when your partner receives the message that you dislike them.
It is almost impossible to resolve the problem when your partner receives the message that you are disgusted with them.
It is almost impossible to solve the problem when your partner receives the message that you are disgusted with him.
Defensive Posture
When we are defensive, we fail to admit our shortcomings and instead make excuses for our actions. In doing so, we often find ourselves shifting the blame onto other people—and by not taking responsibility for our behavior, we damage our relationships.
Essentially, you're saying, “The problem isn't me, it's you,” Gottman writes in Seven Principles to Help Your Marriage Work. A defensive position exacerbates the conflict rather than helps resolve it, and it involves refusing responsibility for problems and thereby shifting all responsibility to the partner.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling essentially means refusing to participate in a conversation, even if you are physically present in it. There are no encouraging nods towards the partner, no attempts to empathize, no attempts to respond or establish contact; it is a metaphorical drawbridge being raised, cutting off all communication.
Although this may seem like the only appropriate response to avoid escalating the conflict – especially on the part of a person who is anxious, upset or upset – it can be extremely harmful to relationship, because it does not allow you to solve the problem.
Precursors of divorce: what to do if you notice these signs?
Gottman explains that marriages are only successful when couples are “emotionally intelligent” enough to accept each other for who they really are. However, if you notice any of the four horsemen appearing in your relationship, he suggests that you take action to prevent divorce.
For example, if you feel that the argument is too intense, instead of To avoid it, engage in “physiological self-soothing” (calming breathing and conscious relaxation). Calm down and then return to the conversation. And instead of framing your complaints as criticism of your partner, voice your complaints about the situation or behavior.
The expert also urges couples to stop using the word “you” in arguments and use the word “I” instead. Work on your marriage every single day, not just when it's in trouble. This will help you get rid of the stress of the day and prevent it from negatively affecting your relationship.
Emotional connection with your partner is important. But how can you tell if your couple has it? Pay attention to these signs.