When you think of unhealthy relationships, you think of lovers. But toxic relationships aren't just romantic. Toxicity knows no boundaries and can live anywhere, from friendships to work and family. This is what psychotherapist Lisa Marie Bobbi says. In fact, family relationships are perhaps the most difficult, as they can contain deep-seated issues that have been harmful for generations, says psychology expert Brooke Keels. They can have a profound impact on a person's mental health and self-esteem. So with the holidays approaching, the question arises: how to communicate with toxic family members?
Content Signs of a Toxic Family MemberHow to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Use I StatementsHow to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to ThemHow to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Attend Family TherapyHow to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Use the Gray Rock MethodHow to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Accept What You Can't ChangeWhen (and How) to End a Relationship with Toxic Family Members
While any unhealthy relationship can be difficult to recognize, toxic family members often add an extra layer of distrust. Many people find it difficult to believe and accept that a family member could hurt them. WomanEL will discuss the most common signs of a toxic family member – and how to heal.
Signs of a toxic family member
Often, a toxic family member may exhibit ruthless tendencies, such as aggression and vindictiveness, but it's important to note that this is not necessarily the same as abusive behavior. “Toxicity in a relationship can manifest itself in ineffective communication, escalating anger, or disrespect for each other, while abusive behavior is the systematic influence of one person over another, where the dominant party is emotionally, physically, or mentally harmed,” says Keels.
By learning the differences between these two types of behavior, you can find appropriate protections or interventions. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, it's important to make safety a top priority. Whether it's a trusted friend, a therapist, or a helpline, it's important to have someone there to help.
Here are some signs that a toxic family member may be affecting your mental health and well-being:
- They often criticize you.
- They don't support you.
- They make you feel guilty.
- You feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable around them.
How to Communicate with Toxic Family Members: Use “I” Statements
If an unhealthy family relationship has already escalated into an abusive one, you'll usually need to cut off contact to begin healing. But if you believe your relative can become a more supportive and healthy presence in your life, you can both take steps to eliminate the toxicity, says Bobby.
The first thing you'll want to do is talk about your feelings about your relationship and how it's affected you. According to expert Dana McNeil, when talking to a toxic family member about certain issues, using “I” statements can make the person feel less focused and more receptive to change.
Instead of using accusatory language like “you always…” or “you never…”, McNeil suggests “being specific about the words you heard, the behavior you experienced, and asking clearly for what you need,” she adds. “This form of communication will help your relative not feel like they’re being attacked.”
How to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them
During the conversation, establish clear rules about what you will and will not tolerate, says Keels. “Clear boundaries can help prevent confusion, anger, and/or frustration within the family about what is and is not allowed,” she says. For example, a family member has a habit of commenting on your weight or appearance. The next time you contact them, set boundaries right away to avoid conflict in the future: “If you comment on my body during our next FaceTime, I will hang up the phone.” “Having a relative agree to abide by your boundaries and then prove they do, can rebuild trust in your relationship and prevent future confrontations,” says Keels.
Write down these boundaries so you can review them whenever you expect to see this person, McNeil advises. “You can carry this list with you to refer to and make sure you’re sticking to your boundaries,” she says.
Boundaries aren’t punishment, says Bobby. You can even share these feelings with your relative. Tell them you’re not trying to punish them, your only goal is to repair the relationship. “Boundaries protect your emotional space so you can grow, heal, and thrive. Even if the other person doesn’t change, you can change how you communicate with them,” says Bobby.
How to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Attend Family Therapy
You may have heard about going to family therapy with your partner if you're not happy with certain patterns of romantic relationships. According to Keels, going to therapy with relatives can help create a safe space to discuss any recurring conflicts.
“Family therapy can improve communication and help uncover toxic factors,” explains Keels. “Through therapy, family members can share their thoughts and feelings about the issues that are going on in the family. This can help uncover and resolve long-standing conflicts that can be detrimental to the relationship.” If both parties are willing to come in and do the work to build a healthier relationship, therapy can make a big difference, says Bobby.
How to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Use the Gray Rock Method
During therapy, your counselor may recommend that you try the “gray rock” approach. This behavioral strategy involves avoiding contact with a negative person or situation. “If you don’t get upset and instead act like what they’re saying is just coming out of you, they won’t be provoked by your emotional response,” says McNeil. Over time, there’s a chance they’ll cut back on their criticism or comments, she adds.
How to Deal with Toxic Family Members: Accept What You Can't Change
Remember: Sometimes you and your relative just won't be able to find common ground, says Keels. So it's important to remember that you can't change the person. While you can discuss your needs and boundaries, offer therapy, and try to change your response to their behavior, only they can feel inspired enough to grow up, she adds.
“This is the key to making peace with someone who treats you toxically,” says Keels. “If you recognize that you can’t control other people’s behavior and they continue to treat you disrespectfully, you need to think about how important they are to you.” Should you invest your energy in a toxic person?
When (and how) to end relationships with toxic family members
If you've tried all of these things—setting boundaries, seeing a therapist, communicating openly—and nothing has changed, your best option may be to break up with the person. “You need to protect yourself and understand that sometimes these relationships, whether they're family or romantic, are just hurting you,” says Keels.
Just because you're involved with someone doesn't mean you have to put up with behavior you wouldn't tolerate elsewhere in your life. Relationships of any kind should complement your life, not drain your energy.
But breaking up with anyone, especially a family member, can be a very delicate decision that needs to be made with great care, says Keels. And it can be difficult, too. “If you feel obligated to stay with a relative because of their age, societal beliefs about family ties, or simply a sense of loyalty that has developed over time, breaking up can be especially difficult,” adds McNeil. At the same time, it's a very healthy and appropriate choice to let go of your attachment to the relationship, which will lead to your emotional well-being and inner peace, says Bobby.
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