COMMENTARY:

Perverts, Voyeurs & Peeping Toms: A short history of the Republican Party

"But President Clinton had sex with that woman!" the Republicans cried. And then they spent almost a billion dollars trying to get off on the juicy details. How much, how often, where? Yuck!

"We have to stop homosexuals and abortions and..." And what? Late-trimester potty training? Scratch a Republican and you'll find someone who never got to wear Pull-Ups (and probably spent a whole lot of time in the woodshed too).

"Let's shut down the porn sites!" cry the Republicans. Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry in America. Who buys it? Who watches it? Republicans! I can prove it. Where do you think they learned all those bondage techniques they used on those poor Iraqi prisoners? Porno flicks!

"The media and political frenzy over apparent prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq continued to spiral out of control over the weekend much to the detriment of our nation..." Who is protesting the protest against use of pornographic torture in Iraq? Republicans! Who made this statement on the Concerned Women of America's website? Gary Bauer, a man accused of having an affair with a 26-year-old staff member (not named Monica). (Editor's note: See Slate for an exhaustive discussion about whether the accusations against this Christian right onetime presidential candidate had merit.)

"Welfare queens are immoral!" But only if you are not a Republican. Republicans are systematically bankrupting America through energy scandals and war-profiteering in Iraq. The amounts of money we are pouring into the coffers of such welfare queens as Halliburton and Enron? That's obscene.

Remember all those photos of aborted fetuses they are always parading around to make us feel bad? I have a question. "Why aren't you parading all those photos of already-born babies in Iraq, Kosovo and our own VA hospitals too? The ones that have been grossly disfigured by exposure to depleted uranium, another Republican gift to the world?"

"Homosexuals are an abomination!" Yeah? Then why are there so many Republicans jammed into all those closets? Have you ever been to one of those secret gay bars in Dallas? The GOP are wall to wall.

"You f*ucking *sshole b*tch!" Who is most likely to send me this kind of gross language potty-mouth hate mail? Republicans!

The thing about Republicans that angers me most is their blatant hypocrisy. They are just as sinful (if not more so) than the rest of us. Only they just hush it up.

If Republicans want to crow about morality, we normal people might even consider listening to them--if they were to become inwardly as well as outwardly moral. A good start would be for Republicans to begin to behave themselves, obey the laws of our country; confess their sins, end corporate welfare, jail George Bush and get out of Iraq.