Many people get stuck in toxic relationships for years, even though they are familiar with the concept of “red flags” and realize that their partner is hurting them. For some, it is emotional or physical abuse, for others – constant betrayal or cold criticism. But why, despite experience and knowledge, do we continue to find ourselves in such situations?
Content
- Repetition of trauma as an unconscious attempt to heal
- Why does trauma become so deeply rooted?
- Typical patterns of rehashing trauma in relationships
- How to discover your personal repetition pattern?
- The path to healing
Repetition of trauma as an unconscious attempt to heal
As IZ reports with reference to Psychology today, this phenomenon is called relational repetition – we recreate past traumas in relationships, hoping to change their ending. A person who was abandoned by their father in childhood unconsciously looks for partners who also abandon them – in order, as if re-enacting the script, to “do everything right.” This is not always obvious: it often seems that the new partner is completely different, but over time, familiar patterns appear in behavior.
The most dangerous thing about relational repetition is the sense of compulsion. It’s as if the person can’t escape these scripts, even when they’re suffering or in danger. They’re so eager to fix the past that they sacrifice the present.
Why does trauma become so deeply rooted?
Traumatic memories are stored differently than normal ones. They can resurface in the form of flashbacks, panic attacks, or depression, even if we don't realize the connection between the events. Often, people can't clearly identify their trauma—it's blurred, repressed, or considered a “normal” childhood experience.
The US Centers for Disease Control (CDC) identifies 10 main types of childhood injuries (ACEs) that form the basis for subsequent life scenarios:
- physical/emotional abuse
- physical/emotional neglect
- sexual violence
- mental illness in the family
- parents' divorce
- addiction of a family member
- domestic violence
- imprisonment of a relative, etc.
Typical patterns of rehashing trauma in relationships
People who have experienced trauma often subconsciously seek out partners who are similar to those who traumatized them. This can manifest itself in patterns such as:
- Partners become emotionally or physically aggressive
- You are constantly abandoned or betrayed.
- You are attracted to people with addictions.
- You are attracted to unavailable or emotionally cold partners.
- Partners become jealous, manipulative, and change over time
- You are trying to “rescue” someone with problematic behavior.
These patterns are an attempt to change a traumatic experience. If we could get such a person to love, accept, and stop criticizing, we could heal the old pain. But this is an illusion: the past cannot be changed, and dwelling on it prevents true healing.
How to discover your personal repetition pattern?
We offer a simple exercise for self-observation:
1. Write down the characteristics of your last partner (positive and negative).
2. Write down the characteristics of the mother.
3. Do the same for your father.
4. Compare the lists and circle the similarities.
5. Find commonalities between partners and parents — these may be the keys to your trauma.
To confirm, you can analyze two more former partners. If the similarities repeat, this is a sign of relational repetition.
The path to healing
Instead of reliving painful scenarios over and over again, it's worth paying attention to two key actions:
1. Work through emotions associated with past trauma: anger, pain, shame.
2. Complete “unfinished business” with those who caused pain (through therapy, letters, dialogues in imagination or in reality).
Only by going through these stages can you build healthy relationships — with yourself and others.
As a reminder, we previously wrote about how to understand that you need psychological therapy.