No matter how long you've been together, breakups are terrible. This is the end of a relationship that at one point brought you a lot of joy. And, whatever your reasons for breaking up, this person probably also has some great qualities that you're sad to lose. After all, you chose him for a reason. Unfortunately, there is no single guide on how to break up with a guy in the least terrible way.
Content< i class="rbi rbi-angle-down">How to break up with a guy: use “I” statements Be straightforward How to break up with a guy: validate his feelings without supporting him emotionally Set a time limit for breaking up How to break up with a guy: don’t make promises Think about your safety How to break up with a guy: no contact, if you can
However, WomanEL wants to help you and has put together some expert advice on how to do it as thoughtfully as possible.
How to break up with a guy: use “I” statements
< p>Saying how you feel about the relationship (the “I” statement) rather than hitting your guy with how he makes you feel (the “you” statement) is a less gentle way to break the news, explains dating and relationship therapist Rebecca Marcus.
For example, instead of saying, “You don't make me happy,” you could try, “I don't feel happy in our relationship.” Or instead of “You're not putting in the effort,” try saying, “We talked about what I need in this relationship (assuming you talked about it). And nothing has changed, so I have to take care of myself.” Essentially, you're saying the same thing, but less accusatory.
Be direct
Of course, if you feel like “I” statements are preventing you from directly saying how you feel and why you're leaving this relationship, you don't need to use them, says couples therapist Sonya Smith. Sometimes you just need to say, 'You did this, and because of that, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore,'” she notes. However you say it, the goal is to tell him exactly why you're going through this.
This may seem harsh and you may think that being less honest is a good thing. But this can lead to a lot of gray areas. “If the focus is on politeness rather than directness, your message may not be received as intended,” explains therapist Levi Rhodes. “He may not take you seriously or think these problems can be solved,” he says.
Try something like: “I feel ___ when ___, and I don't want that in a relationship,” Rhodes suggests. Or: “I don’t see us being together long term because of X, Y, Z,” Marcus suggests.
How to break up with a guy: validate his feelings without supporting him emotionally
Depending on how your relationship is, seeing how upset he is over your breakup may make you want to be close to them, but that's not good for either of you, Marcus says. “You won't be able to move on if you're in a caretaker role, and he won't be able to handle emotions like grief when you're around,” she says. “Every person must take responsibility for their feelings and reactions and calm themselves.”
Instead, you can fully validate what he's going through by saying something like, “It really hurts. I’m sad about it too, but I can’t be there for you,” Marcus says. Then suggest people they can turn to, like a friend or even a therapist, she adds.
Set separation time limit
Sometimes it's hard to end the breakup conversation because you're trying to be there for the other person (careful!) or are stuck in a cycle of ruminating over old arguments (never helps!). Whatever the reason, talking in circles or dragging out a conversation can slow you down. Do not do that. By entering a conversation with a time limit in mind, you can focus on explaining everything to the person within the allotted time and getting it over with.
How to break up with a guy: don't make promises
How to leave a relationship gracefully, Source: freepik.com
According to Marcus, after a breakup, people who are broken up with tend to make positive changes in their lives. And if you're willing to try again after he figures something out or changes something about himself, that's fine. However! If you don't want to reconnect, even if he changes, don't say ambiguously: “Maybe things will work out later in life…”. You shouldn't promise him something you don't mean.
Think about your safety
Obviously, breaking up with someone face to face is ideal. But because the end of a relationship is such a huge loss, “people aren't necessarily going to react in the most focused, calm, and rational way possible,” Marcus says. So, if you're nervous about how your partner will react, especially if you're worried about your safety, you don't have to do it in person, says Smith. “You can also meet in a public place and/or have a friend wait nearby,” she suggests.
How to break up with a guy: refuse contacts if you can
Again, a breakup can feel like a loss. Even if you remain friends (or friendly) in the future, the dynamic you once had with this person will end. You both will have to get over this loss in order to move on. And obviously you can't do that if you're talking every day,” says Marcus. Essentially, your feelings about the breakup—sadness, anger, denial, acceptance—will wax and wane, but they're easier to handle without the other person.
That's why she suggests a no-contact period of at least a month. This means no texting, calling or communicating of any kind. “You can also unfollow them on social media, since seeing their photo on your feed may interfere with healing,” says Marcus.
“Of course, if you work together or have children or pets, you can’t always go no contact,” says Smith. In those cases, you can set rules about when you'll communicate and what you'll discuss, she suggests. The most important thing is to give each other as much space as possible to grieve.
Recovering from a breakup is not easy, but we will help you. Here's advice on how to become happy today.
