Think back to your geography lessons. Your teacher may have shown you a map and explained that certain lines are used to mark the borders between states and countries. Most of the time, these borders are not visible in real life. And yet, even though we can't see these borders, people accept them and understand how far they can go before they step into someone else's territory. Most of us have never learned how to set boundaries, avoid toxic relationships, and create healthy connections. And for good reason. Everyone needs to know how to set their own personal boundaries.
ContentWhat are boundaries? Hard and soft boundariesTypes of boundariesSigns that you don't have healthy boundariesWhy boundaries are importantHow to set your personal boundaries: think about what you want to achieveUse your personal values as a guideHow to set your personal boundaries: understand that different relationships require different boundariesEvaluate your relationshipHow to set your personal boundaries: be patientSpeak out loud (with respect)How to set your personal boundaries: if there is no change, end the relationship
WomanEL will tell you what it is, why it is important for mental health, and what specifically you should do in your relationships with other people.
What are boundaries?
People talk about “setting boundaries” all the time. But what does that mean? Setting figurative (or even literal) personal and emotional boundaries can help people understand how far they can go in terms of emotional support and work, reaching out to you for help or advice, or even how often you should be in touch.
“Boundaries are the separations that people need—mentally, emotionally, and physically—to feel safe, valued, and respected,” explains psychologist Carla Marie Manley.
Hard and soft borders
When setting boundaries, you can divide them into hard and soft.
- Hard boundaries are things you consider non-negotiable and don't want to compromise on. These are situations you will never agree to or go through with.
- Soft boundaries are more flexible. These are things you are willing to compromise, negotiate, or accept (within reason). You can think of soft boundaries as wishes or goal setting.
Types of Boundaries
Boundaries can be about anything. But they are all aimed at your well-being, safety, and peace of mind. Source: freepik.com
Within the framework of hard and soft boundaries, there are different types of boundaries that you may want to establish in your personal and professional relationships.
- Physical. These boundaries apply to your privacy, body, and personal space. They can help when meeting strangers, as well as in close relationships. Physical boundaries include stating whether you prefer a hug or a handshake (or neither), a request to respect your workplace or bedroom, and other physical aspects that help you feel safe and comfortable.
- Sexy. Your preferences, expectations, and fears related to intimacy belong to sexual boundaries. This can include both sexual comments and touching you, as well as issues of consent and communication with your partner during intimacy. Healthy sexual boundaries apply to both long-term relationships and new relationships.
- Emotional. When you protect your emotional well-being, you set emotional boundaries. These include sharing your personal feelings and how other people’s feelings affect you. They can also relate to your beliefs, ideas, and values, which are sometimes called intellectual boundaries.
- Material. Anything that has to do with your possessions and belongings is called material boundaries. These limits help you avoid being taken advantage of, especially if you are a generous person. This also includes financial boundaries—for example, not letting others borrow money from you.
- Time. Setting limits on other people's access to your time will help you save time for things like focusing on work, yourself, family, or hobbies. Declining invitations or requests is one way to set time limits.
Signs That You Don't Have Healthy Relationships borders
Boundary issues arise in a variety of situations and areas of our lives. But they often go unnoticed until they’re explicitly challenged, Manley explains. “Overall, boundary issues arise because you’re allowing your boundaries to be violated or violating other people’s boundaries,” Manley adds.
Manley says some of the most common signs that your boundaries need attention include:
- Feeling chronically taken advantage of in certain situations. For example, emotionally, financially, or physically.
- Saying “yes” to please others to your detriment.
- You don’t get your needs met because you fear conflict and give in to others.
- You often feel disrespected by others, but you can’t stand up for yourself.
- The fear of being abandoned makes you settle for less than you deserve.
- Behavior aimed at pleasing people in order to be liked and gain approval.
- Disrespectful behavior that hurts others.
- Flirting with people in relationships or when you are in a relationship, even if it hurts others.
- Doing whatever you want to get your needs met and believing that boundaries don't apply to you.
- Doing whatever you want to get your needs met and believing that boundaries don't apply to you.
Keep in mind that setting boundaries may be more difficult for some people than for others. According to psychotherapist Lily Magavi, people who suffer from anxiety or depression may have difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries.
Why boundaries are important
Without boundaries, all of our relationships risk becoming unhealthy, Source: freepik.com
Given that boundaries help us feel safer and more comfortable, it makes sense that they’re so often discussed in therapy. Healthy boundaries have a big impact on our emotional well-being. “Our emotional boundaries are important because they give us the personal space—emotional, mental, physical, or whatever—that we need in a given situation,” Manley explains. That’s why setting boundaries is so important.
- Safety. Although setting boundaries can be difficult, it increases self-compassion and self-esteem, allowing people to prioritize their thoughts and needs.
- Anxiety avoidance. When our emotional boundaries are not met, we may feel overwhelmed, hurt, or anxious. On an instinctive level, we may feel like caged animals in the hands of threatening abusers when our boundaries are not met.
- Healthy relationships. Boundaries provide the foundation for healthy relationships with ourselves and others.
How to set your personal boundaries: think about what you want to achieve
You may not immediately understand which areas of your life are most need boundaries. And that's okay. Give yourself time and space for introspection and reflection, and then process your thoughts to achieve clarity.
This can be done by talking about them with a therapist (or a loved one) or by writing them down in a journal. “Verbalizing and naming emotions allows people to understand different perspectives and makes a request feel more like a request rather than a criticism,” explains Magavi.
Use your personal values as a guide
When setting boundaries, psychology professor Melissa Flint says they should be aligned with your values. “If I value my time for religious expression highly, my boundaries might be that I will never agree to work a shift during a service.”
“If I agree, that area that I value is pushed aside. And I feel even more violated,” Flint explains. When we remember our values and prioritize what brings us pleasure, satisfaction, and joy, we can control these scenarios.
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How to Set Your Personal Boundaries: Understand That Different Relationships Require Different Boundaries
Boundaries often vary greatly depending on the situation and the people involved, says Manley. For example, you might have very flexible boundaries with your sexual partner. “Intimacy thrives when both partners understand and respect each other’s boundary needs. And that respectful attitude helps keep boundaries flexible,” Manley explains.
In the workplace, however, employers and employees should set stricter boundaries. “Certain behaviors, such as sharing personal information, sexual contact, and flirting—especially between management and employees—are generally inappropriate and often illegal,” Manley notes.
And when it comes to family members, the nature of healthy boundaries depends on the overall family dynamic. “If family members are prone to controlling behavior, fairly strong boundaries may be necessary for psychological well-being,” says Manley. “If family members are respectful and considerate, boundaries can be much more flexible in nature.”
Evaluate Your Relationship
Knowing that different types of relationships require their own boundaries, it’s time to take a closer look at these relationships. “To figure out where you need to set boundaries, you need to evaluate your relationship and what you value in your life,” says Flint.
“If you’re not getting enough of what you value—family time, financial security, etc.—how do you set boundaries to support the process of bringing your life back into balance? Boundaries are often set through trial and error. It’s okay to tweak them over time to better reflect your boundaries,” Flint explains.
How to Set Your Personal Boundaries: Be Patient
For some people, even the thought of setting boundaries can be anxiety-provoking. “As you practice setting boundaries, you can certainly feel anxious and worried until it becomes natural,” explains Manley. “Even if it's hard at first, practice speaking your truth with dignity, courage, and respect.”
Speak Loudly (with Respect)
Once you understand where boundaries can be helpful in your life, take steps to implement them. According to Dr. Magavi, this can include things like asking for clarification or expressing discomfort with someone’s behavior. But don’t be surprised if your issues with the person don’t go away after just one visit.
“There may be a need to repeat information,” explains Dr. Magavi. “Establishing a foundation and allowing for open communication at the beginning or at any stage of a relationship reinforces the pattern of behavior and allows healthy boundaries to stand tall and strong.
If a person does not respect boundaries, it is appropriate to state that it is causing discomfort and leave the relationship.” Boundaries are about protecting your peace of mind. They are not intended to change anyone else.
How to Set Your Personal Boundaries: If There's No Change, End the Relationship
When you set healthy boundaries, it's natural for people who are used to you pleasing everyone to be annoyed or upset. Manley says some may even continue to ignore your boundaries.
“As you move forward, you'll find that some people will support your new healthy boundaries,” Manley says. Others may not want to accept and respect the 'new you.' Sometimes the wisest move is to distance yourself from those who don't respect your boundaries.”
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