Abusive relationships can look different. But if you clicked on this article, you've probably asked yourself more than once, “What is an emotional abuser?” Yes, it's a bit different than physical abuse. But, as psychologist Sarah Schuitz, PhD, says, it's no less devastating.
ContentWhat is an emotional abuserWhat is an emotional abuser: How to recognize it? The cycle of emotionally abusive relationships How to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship
WomanEL will tell you how to recognize such a person, survive the abuse and move on to find the love you deserve.
What is emotional abuser
Emotional abuse in the context of a romantic relationship can include putting down a partner, name-calling, making statements intended to make a partner feel insecure, calling them crazy, cheating, and/or lying. An emotional abuser is someone who commits emotional abuse and the listed actions.
While all of these actions sound destructive (and the exact opposite of love), both parties tend to make excuses, focus on the high points of the relationship, and live in denial. And so the cycle of abuse continues. Not all of these actions need to be present for your relationship to be considered abusive. As Dr. Scheivitz points out, “abusive behavior is often the result of an inability to regulate your nervous system, unhealed trauma from the past, and a lack of education about how to maintain healthy relationships.”You can seek professional advice about potentially abusive relationships through trauma-informed therapy and couples therapy if both parties are willing to do the work and honest self-examination.
What is an emotional abuser: how to recognize one?
If any of the following signs match your thoughts, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship.
- Love bombing. This is how emotionally abusive relationships often begin. It's an attempt to establish a close bond and trust through the promise of commitment and connection. This releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that makes you feel good. But it can actually lead to some dependency on your partner.
- Inconsistency. There is a difference between what a person says and what they do. For example, empty phrases like “I love you, I would never hurt you,” when the person’s actions say the opposite. They may also promise you something but not deliver. And then get defensive, angry, or imply that you are crazy when you talk about your problems. Alternatively, they may shut down and refuse to discuss the topic at all.
- Humiliation. If your partner subtly or overtly implies that you’re not pretty, smart, or beautiful enough, it’s a sign that they’re exercising control. Dr. Scheivitz explains why this is a common manipulation tactic. “Abusers often tell women that they’re worthless, unlovable, unattractive, etc., to control them and make them fear that no one else will want them if they leave.”
- Denial. In this case, you’re probably the one in denial. Dr. Scheivitz recommends asking yourself these questions and trying to answer them honestly. Do the feelings in my current relationship remind me of feelings from my past relationships (both with romantic partners and with my parents)? Do I avoid telling friends and family about our fights because I’m embarrassed or afraid it will change their attitude toward my partner? Do my friends and family have concerns about my partner? Have I asked them to be honest about it? If not, am I afraid of what I might hear? How do I feel around my partner most of the time? Sad, scared, anxious, and angry, or calm and confident?
The cycle of emotionally abusive relationships
As mentioned, emotionally abusive relationships often start with love bombing and then gradually become less romantic as you start to feel devalued. You may feel insecure and find yourself seeking the pleasure that comes from the slightest nudge of emotional reinforcement from your partner.
Even if it doesn't happen often, Dr. Shaywitz notes that it literally triggers a dopamine rush in your brain, which is associated with addiction. In those moments when you think about leaving, fear may arise, telling you that no one needs you anymore and that it's easier to continue the life you've already started with this person.
How to Get Out of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Healing from an abusive relationship will take a long time, Source: freepik.com
When you’re finally ready to leave the relationship, you should cut all ties as soon as possible. Unfollow and block your ex. Depending on how the breakup went, your abuser may be using family members to contact you. So consider blocking their phone numbers and social media accounts. As Dr. Shaywitz points out, “any interaction with them (including seeing what they’re doing on social media) reactivates the traumatic bond and makes it harder to heal.”
It is important to note that abuse is trauma. Trauma can cause low self-esteem, sleep problems, anxiety, trust issues and paranoia, depression, physical health problems (such as chronic pain), autoimmune disorders, and more.
When you finally feel safe after a long period of stress, your body will need to self-regulate and recover. You may want to sleep a lot and even get sick. During this time, you need to treat yourself with love, whether it’s yoga and meditation, healthy eating, or a wallpaper on your phone that reminds you to be gentle and ignore self-criticism.
When you’re ready, Dr. Shaywitz recommends finding a therapist. Therapy will be crucial to breaking the pattern of attraction to emotionally unavailable or abusive people.
Dr. Shaywitz recommends waiting at least six months before you start dating. “It will only distract you from the feelings you need to experience and prevent you from understanding what needs to change,” she says. Instead, it’s important to channel your feelings and energy into personal growth.”
“The most important thing is to heal the wounds from your past that led you to ignore warning signs, stay in abusive relationships, and ultimately put the other person’s needs above your own.”
We also listed red flags on a date. If your partner is behaving like this, run away from him.
