We all have our own reasons for wanting a partner. Some crave intimacy, some want security, and some want to figure out how to be a strong couple. According to Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love, there's no real secret.
Content How to become a strong couple: ensuring a sense of hopeHow to be happy with a partner: mutual respect and harmonyHow to become a strong couple: protection and compromiseHow to be happy with a partner: cooperationHow to become a strong couple: self-esteemHow to be happy with a partner: fair partnershipConclusion
There are some simple steps people can take to team up and face life as the best couple they can be. WomanEL shares his advice.
How to become a strong couple: providing a sense of hope
According to Tatkin, one of the first tasks for any couple is to develop a shared vision that provides hope for the relationship as a whole. After that, of course, the couple works together, collaborating and interacting, to achieve the goal.
“If we don't have a goal that we're focused on, we don't have a vision of what we want to get to in the end, not only will we not get there, but we'll also fight and pick on each other when we don't have a common goal,” Tatkin says in an interview.
The bottom line? Couples need something to work on together. Whether it's a project, a goal, making an important decision, or solving a problem together.
How to be happy with your partner: mutual respect and consistency
It may seem obvious, but any strong couple should respect and orient themselves towards each other. However, as obvious as it may seem, it doesn't always come easily or naturally.
As Tatkin explains, you need to think about what agreements you make and how you intend to stick to those agreements, even if it’s difficult. For example, you might have a principle of appreciating everything the other person does and celebrating it (saying thank you, etc.).
How to become a strong couple: protection and compromise
It is very important that you and your partner are on the same team, Source: freepik.com
Compromise has a negative connotation, because one person “loses.” But Tatkin notes that strong couples have a kind of compromise where both win. By protecting each other’s needs and thoughtfully meeting them, couples are more willing to go along with what the other person wants.
“We have to do something together, we want to be together. But we are different people, and the likelihood that we will want to do the same thing at the same time is slim,” Tutkin explains. “So I will bargain. I will make it so that you win, and we can do everything together. We have to think in terms of a system consisting of two people, not just a system consisting of one person.”
In other words, he explains, this is how you reach an agreement. If you know that's the only way to do it, you follow the rule: “Win-win. Good for me, good for you.”
How to be happy with your partner: cooperation
Some structure and rules are useful for any relationship. Especially if they were invented together. For example, there are times when one person bothers the other, so it is important to have a plan of action in such situations.
“Cooperation is essentially legislation, politics – how we will behave and how we will limit ourselves so as not to harm each other,” Tatkin says. “It needs to be done thoughtfully.”
Most couples can identify their common stumbling blocks. So once you have identified them, he explains, plans, and prepares for how you can prevent them. After that, collaboration begins, with one person submitting or yielding to this pre-established agreement.
For example, if a couple has an agreement that they won't let a bad mood ruin the evening, and then there comes a time when a bad mood comes and one person might say, “Hey, let's not ruin the evening,” then the other person should stick to that pre-established agreement – even if it's hard.
“That’s what management is,” says Tatkin. “Management is the ability to manage behavior on the fly, based on prior agreement and understanding that it’s good for both of us, not just one person.”
How to become a strong couple: self-esteem
Self-esteem isn't a static thing that stays the same forever. It's influenced by a variety of factors, including our relationships. According to Tatkin, in strong relationships, both people strive to make the other person feel good.
We can negatively impact our partner's self-esteem without even realizing it, from giving them a sarcastic look to ignoring their requests for attention. That's why it's so important for couples to treat each other positively. If they don't, their self-esteem will inevitably suffer for the worse.
And remember, all of these steps are interconnected. If you respect each other and work together to achieve a common goal, it will be much easier for you to boost your partner's self-esteem and vice versa.
How to be happy with your partner: a fair partnership
Finally, we are dealing with equality, which can take different forms depending on the specific relationship. But ultimately it is about a level playing field, where neither partner loses more or less.
“If there is a lack of parity in a free and fair union of equals, problems begin. That’s when people start behaving aggressively. That’s when people get offended.” If a couple wants their relationship to be effective, happy, and lasting, “it must be based on maintaining honesty and fairness,” Tatkin adds.
Conclusion
These steps may take some trial and error (and patience). But any couple willing to try can become a strong couple. Tatkin recommends starting by imagining yourselves as the rulers of a new world—your shared world—and figuring out how you’ll govern it. “Just sit down and decide who we are and why we are here? Who and what do we serve? What is our purpose as a union, as an alliance?” he says.
If you clearly define your vision, collaborate and interact, and boost each other's self-esteem, you will quickly feel like the strongest couple.
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