“Three’s a crowd” isn’t just a popular phrase. It’s unsolicited advice for anyone trying to find common ground with three people. No matter how close you consider yourself or how many times you’ve swapped closets, a threesome is not easy to balance, and it’s almost inevitable that someone will feel left out at some point. So why is it so hard to be friends with three people?
Content Friendship of three people: an example from “The White Lotus”Why it is so difficult to be friends with three people from a psychological point of viewHow to successfully maintain friendship between three people
WomanEL suggests figuring it out together and will share the opinion of experts in the field of psychology. Spoiler: you have a chance not to quarrel and continue to be friends.
Friendship of three people: an example from “The White Lotus”
A prime example of such a friendship is one of the plotlines at the heart of The White Lotus. This season, the series follows three friends on a vacation in Thailand. And while they initially seem to have a perfect bond, their relationship slowly unravels with each glass of wine they drink. At one point, Kate (Leslie Bibb) and Jacqueline (Michelle Monaghan) gossip about Laurie (Carrie Coon)’s drinking. In another scene, Kate and Laurie grow closer over Jacqueline’s narcissistic tendencies. And in a completely different episode, Laurie and Jacqueline whisper about Kate’s political views.
All of this begs the question. Can a three-person friendship even exist without two friends gossiping about each other? Probably not. “Women are constantly comparing themselves and each other,” Monaghan said in a recent interview with the New York Post about the dynamics of friendship.
While the drama of “White Lotus” is a bit more extreme than real life, it's a great example of why these kinds of friendships are often doomed. Regardless of the dynamic, two out of three people will have more similarities or commonalities, which creates unspoken disagreements. One person inevitably becomes a bonus friend.
But before you start thinking that all friendships between three people are doomed to fail, know that they are not so impossible to maintain – especially if you know how to navigate their complexities.
Why is it so difficult to be friends with three people from a psychological point of view?
Rivalry may arise in a friendship of 3 people, Source: still from the TV series “White Lotus”
Friendship expert Shari Leed says that a three-person friendship is like a social tightrope walk. “It’s perfect when it works, but it’s difficult when it doesn’t.” That’s because someone is likely to feel like the third person in a friendship. “Life is made for couples—duos, couples, and carefully spaced out seats on Disney rides designed for two. By default, in a trio, someone often feels like they’re in the back seat,” Leed says.
Clinical psychologist Cameron Sepah says there’s also a power imbalance here. “Usually two people become best friends, and the third person is left out or in the minority when it comes to group decisions.” In the case of “White Lotus,” whose decision do you think it was to go to Thailand? It’s also easier to gossip about each other. “When there are three people in a group, it’s easier for two people to gossip behind the back of the third person when they’re not around, which creates insecurity and distrust,” he says.
But these are not the only reasons why being a threesome can be particularly difficult. As with any friendship, there can be jealousy or rivalry. Someone may feel the need to “prove” their status or superiority in order to become the “big one” in the group of friends.
How to successfully maintain a friendship between three people
A three-person friendship takes just as much work as any other friendship. But it's for these types of relationships that Leed recommends keeping an eye on the dynamics. “Avoid competition, point-scoring, or over-analyzing who's putting in the most effort. Real friendships thrive on trust. You have to believe in the connection and let it grow naturally.”
Unlike the dynamic depicted in The White Lotus, it’s also important to celebrate each other’s victories, rather than viewing them as a competition. “Be open, honest, and don’t talk behind each other’s backs,” adds Leed. If you feel like you might be the one being overlooked in group chats or not invited to certain events, know that you may have outgrown the friendship—and that’s okay. “Friendship should be natural, not a constant battle for your place,” says Leed.
In this case, your friends may be unintentionally leaving you out. The best thing you can do is talk about your feelings. If they’re your friends, they’ll be more likely to avoid making you feel left out in the future. “But if the exclusion continues, consider whether the friendship is healthy,” Sepah says. If so, it might be in your best interest to expand your circle of friends and meet new people.”
Ultimately, a friendship between three people can be perfectly healthy if there is respect in it.
Don't know what a bonus friend is? Here we have detailed its characteristics. Are you one of them?