Newspaper logo  
Local Stories, Events

Ref. : Civic Events

Ref. : Arts & Education Events

Ref. : Public Service Notices

Books, Films, Arts & Education

07.11 7,000+ Colleges and Universities Declare Climate Emergency and Unveil Three-Point Plan to Combat It [Fox News and Betsy DeVos never talk about this stuff so it must be Bull Shit, right?]


Ref. : Letters to the editor

Health Care & Environment

07.17 ‘Off-the-charts’ heat to affect millions in U.S. in coming decades

07.17 Planned Parenthood president Leana Wen forced out by board [Given that states have lost abortion rights on political grounds recently, Wen's philosophical approach to protect abortion rights based on ‘health care’ was smarter – therefore it was that smarter strategy that was killed at the secret meeting.]

07.17 Billions of air pollution particles found in hearts of city dwellers

07.17 What is happening in America's Cancertown is tragic, immoral and evil [Niggardly white government policies could change to produce better students, better jobs and net revenue instead of costs. But it seems they enjoy more cruelty—like Trump.]

07.16 US aid cuts to UN agency will hurt vulnerable women and children, critics say

07.16 Trump abortion restrictions in effect for taxpayer-funded clinics

07.15 The response to DRC’s Ebola crisis isn’t working. Here’s what we need to do

07.15 Extinction Rebellion protests block traffic in five UK cities [Non-corporate human animals make their annoying bleating sounds...]

07.14 A Glacier the Size of Florida Is Becoming Unstable. It Has Dire Implications for Global Sea Levels [The willfully ignorant needn't read more, Trump]

07.13 'Climate Despair' Is Making People Give Up on Life [Willfully ignorant governments—having fired many of their best scientists—have made themselves too stupid to despair]

07.13 Trump administration to approve pesticide that may harm bees [The worst government money can buy!]

07.12 These solar panels don’t just generate power—they produce drinking water

07.12 David Attenborough: polluting planet may become as reviled as slavery [1:34 video]

07.10 Plastic Has A Big Carbon Footprint — But That Isn't The Whole Story [Fixing our world begins by educating your consciousness with the best truth from trustworthy news sources—so you'll then insist truly bad things will get fixed. But if instead you are educated by untrustworthy news sources—then your consciousness could be warped to where you are hating and fighting with your best friends. Clue: untrustworthy news sources never seriously report news about the world's most critical emergency—Global warming.]

07.10 Molly Scott Cato: ‘It’s the wealthy who are causing climate change’

07.09 Judge reinstates Madrid's low emissions zone [Yeh!]

07.07 How Solar Panels Work (And Why They're Taking Over the World) [Hope they leave space between panels for wild flowers to grow so birds and butterflies can flourish!]

07.05 Tree planting 'has mind-blowing potential' to tackle climate crisis

07.04 On reflection: how the 'albedo effect' is melting the Antarctic

07.04 US produces far more waste and recycles far less of it than other developed countries [As expected—and made worse by Trump—the U.S. is best at being the worst]07.03 Booming LNG industry could be as bad for climate as coal, experts warn

07.03 Deep-sea mining to turn oceans into ‘new industrial frontier’

07.03 Caravan of Americans battling diabetes heads to Canada for affordable insulin [3:36 video; Like Central Americans flee for their lives from criminal drug gangs, Americans flee for their lives for affordable pharmaceutical drugs]

News Media Matters

07.18 In Sinclair's New 'Must-Run' Segment, Former Trump Adviser Tries to Defend Racist Attacks on 'the Squad'

Daily: FAIR Blog
The Daily Howler

US Politics, Policy & 'Culture'

07.18 Deadly Delays in Jail Construction Cost Lives and Dollars Across California

07.18 Inside Trump's DC hotel, where allies and lobbyists flock to peddle their interests [Also, too much ignored by media, the $millions "donated" corrupting moderate Democrats and Republicans every election cycle must stop]

07.18 This Republican's Case for Medicare for All [A well-informed Republican is rare, so let's hold him in the light so others may learn]

07.18 Trump rally crowd chants 'send her back' after president attacks Ilhan Omar [1:03 video shows Trump pandering to his ignorant idolaters, and together they're making America a greater shit-hole country]

07.18 "Can't Change a Corrupt System by Taking Its Money": Sanders Urges All 2020 Democrats to Reject Insurance, Big Pharma Cash [48:58 video]

07.17 Why Democrats’ oversight machine is moving so slowly against Trump

07.17 Here's the real reason Trump is attacking 'the squad': he's scared of their politics

07.17 'Good,' Says Elizabeth Warren, After Billionaire Right-Winger Peter Thiel Says She's 2020 Democrat He Is 'Most Scared By'

07.17 The American Right Defines Patriotism As Complacency About Racism

07.17 This is what today's America looks like. The squad is us

07.16 As Trump Sows Discord, Chief of Staff Mulvaney Reportedly Focused on 'Building Empire for the Right Wing' [And the South shall rise again...]

07.16 George Will's startling assessment of Donald Trump

07.16 Describing 'Future We Want to Live In' Scores of Groups Unveil New Blueprint for Reproductive Rights

07.16 'Do not take the bait': congresswomen denounce racist Trump attack [3:50 video]

07.16 Money Laundering Scandal Forces Puerto Rico’s Governor to Cut His Vacation Short — Just in Time for Another Scandal

07.16 Turnstile teaching [The problem is NOT the color of students skin, as our fake President reflexively thinks. The problem is the lax attitude and deficient funding by government to always do a much better job for a better future.]

Justice Matters

07.16 Contempt [Variations of frequent loss & theft of property title by organized legal efforts against black owners]

07.15 Australia 'deeply concerned' about China's treatment of Uighur people [What are the reasons, exactly, that justify harsh imprisonment of a million people?]

07.15 Zuma tells South Africa corruption inquiry he is victim of foreign plot [Unaccountable corrupt governments are so in fashion these days...]

07.14 Warren vows to probe U.S. crimes on immigrants if elected [Can you imagine living in a nation with a working Justice System? How far we've fallen!]

High Crimes
Economics & Corrupt Capitalism

07.18 Corporate tax cuts blocked at least 15,000 affordable homes in California. Here’s how

07.15 China’s Economic Growth Hits 27-Year Low as Trade War Stings

International & Futurism

07.18 There are 16 million slaves around the world making our stuff

07.18 ‘No rioters, only a tyrannical regime’: Thousands of Hong Kong seniors march in support of young extradition law protesters [Most people around the world have more in common with these Hong Kong Chinese protestors than with the ignorant people at Trump rallies]

07.18 Dozens Arrested as Over 1,000 Jewish Activists and Allies Shut Down Entrances to ICE Headquarters Demanding Closure of Trump Detention Camps [Obviously these are not the immoral and less educated right-wing jews who support Netanyahu, Trump and ICE, and who slowly exterminate Palestinians when no one is looking]

07.17 Trump Murdered the Iran Deal—And Europe Isn’t Too Happy About It [Only psychopathic Saudi Arabia and Russia are U.S. ’allies’ now...]

07.17 Trump’s Unlawful Asylum Policy Is a Jab at Mexico

07.16 Trump’s race fantasy is clear: the US as home for whites fleeing Europe [1:09 video]

07.15 India’s Terrifying Water Crisis

07.15 Australia now has the highest minimum wage in the world [From 1960 to 2018 – the U.S. has fallen from 1st place to below the tenth place and off the chart]

07.14 Kasich: The chilling effect of British ambassador's leaked memos

07.14 'Just a matter of when': the $20bn plan to power Singapore with Australian solar

07.14 At least 24 Yellow Vests lost eyes in violent protests. Now they're more determined than ever [Protests of all kinds will continue until systemic inequality loses political dominance]

07.13 New Zealand Begins Gun Buyback Prompted by Mosque Attacks

07.13 After a Police Shooting, Ethiopian Israelis Seek a ‘Black Lives Matter’ Reckoning [Since so-called modern humans evolved there have been 10,000 generations of people. It is extremely far-fetched to think anyone is racially pure. SO ALL THIS HATE IS INCREDIBLY STUPID.]

07.13 After a Police Shooting, Ethiopian Israelis Seek a ‘Black Lives Matter’ Reckoning

07.13 Brazil’s President May Appoint Son, Friend to the Trumps, as Ambassador to U.S. [Friend of the Trumps, so we know they're all brain-dead except about near-term profits. They are clear-cutting the Amazon Rain Forest to feed-then-butcher millions of methane farting cows, over and over. Yep, that's there business plan. So therefore the rest of the world will hopefully plant billions of trees elsewhere to sequester CO2 to offset what the Bolsonaro family and investors are destroying. What's wrong with this picture?]

07.13 Trump’s Cruelty and Mexico’s Duty [Our president is immoral to his core and reacts to things like a child, not understanding that his actions are often crueler than they should be. And that cruelty will never completely be excused or forgotten—the people's hatred of Trump is growing, like the Texan's hatred when President General Santa Anna laid seige to the Alamo, which was Mexico's territory at the time...]

We are a non-profit Internet-only newspaper publication founded in 1973. Your donation is essential to our survival.

You can also mail a check to:
Baltimore News Network, Inc.
P.O. Box 42581
Baltimore, MD 21284-2581
This site Web
  How to Interpret the Ten Commandments
Newspaper logo


How to Interpret the Ten Commandments

An attempt at legal analysis of Biblical law following Gonzalesian logic.

Thankfully, Gonzales finally straightened out two centuries of muddle-headed lawmaking the other day when he testified in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee regarding government surveillance.
Being the chief of the world’s largest law office has got to be one tough job. The U.S Constitution is, like, really complicated. For example, Section 8, Powers of Congress, states that Congress shall have the power to grant “Letters of Marque.” Whoa, is that French? And Under Section 9, Limits of Congress, it states, “no bill of attainder or ex post facto Law shall be passed.” Latin! Who but the best among us study Latin? You have to be, like, a scholar to even read the Constitution. I mean, there’s stuff that seems understandable because it’s written in plain English, like, “In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial,” but obviously “speedy” and “public” are Latin terms that a layperson like me is not meant to understand; otherwise the whole Guantanamo thing just wouldn’t make sense. And since, as Attorney General Alberto Gonzales states, the whole Guantanamo thing is perfectly legal, it also must make sense.

Whew! Having super smart people interpret the Constitution for us makes me feel so much safer. Left to my own devices, I might incorrectly believe that the amendment against “involuntary servitude” applied to all those illegal brown people (slavery only applies to Blacks, right?) crawling over our border taking away our servitude. It’s just so confusing!

The other day, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales proved just how knuckleheaded the American people are (our low standard of education should be a crime!). There’s this thing in the Constitution called habeus corpus which you have to write in italics because it’s Latin. Anyways, I guess for over two hundred years Americans have assumed (remember when you assume you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”) that habeas corpus—which according to my dictionary is “a writ for inquiring into the lawfulness of the restraint of a person who is imprisoned or detained in another’s custody”—applied to everyone under the Constitution. Well, thankfully, Gonzales finally straightened out two centuries of muddle-headed lawmaking the other day when he testified in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee regarding government surveillance. Senator Specter was challenging him about the whole Guantanamo thing and the Supreme Court’s ruling in Hamdan vs. Rumsfeld that under the Constitution, the detainees have a right to habeas corpus. Well, obviously the Attorney General has a bigger say than the Supreme Court on such matters, because according to him “there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution.” Then Specter was like, “Wait a minute. The Constitution says you can’t take it away, except in the case of rebellion or invasion. Doesn’t that mean you have the right of habeas corpus, unless there is an invasion or rebellion?” And Gonzales was like, “The Constitution doesn't say that every individual in the United States or every citizen has or is assured the right of habeas corpus. It doesn't say that. It simply says that the right of habeas corpus shall not be suspended.” Oooohhhh, I get it. If the law doesn’t say stuff really specifically, then it doesn’t apply in any big universal kind of way; and if it doesn’t say something in the affirmative but just says “you can’t take it away,” without specifying from whom, then it’s all totally relative! You could tell Senator Specter was so blown away by the brilliance of this guy’s logic, and you could tell the Attorney General was right because he had this all-knowing Mona Lisa smile on his face.

God, I wish I had gone to law school. I would know how to really think about stuff. The thing is, since I’m just a nobody. I know I don’t have any right to interpret legal texts or even really have opinions about things, but I can at least try to emulate the brilliant logic of Attorney General Gonzales by practicing it myself--and slowly, over time, I might one day be able to automatically shoot down people’s arguments with a cool one-liner, a wink and a smile. So I’m going to start off with another legal-ish text that on its surface seems real straightforward, and see if I can put Gonzales’ logic to use to re-interpret it for the post-9/11 world. We’ve gotta learn to look at everything differently now that 9/11 happened. As Bob Dylan said, “the times they are a changin’,” but I prefer the old Latin “panton est diversus iam.

Okay--here goes. My attempt at the Ten Commandments following Gonzalesian logic:

  1. I am the Lord your God. You shall have no other gods before me.

    Since it does not explicitly state that God exists outside the borders of the United States, God must not exist outside of the United States. In fact, God IS the United States and the President is our Pope—except the Pope is Catholic and German and the Germans are godless Communists and we failed to extinguish Communism in Vietnam and therefore must extinguish Islamism in the Middle East.

  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.

    There is no explicit mention here of oil. It is totally fine to make an idol out of oil and to watch "American Idol." Guantanamo is surrounded by water, out of which the Leftist Jew-dominated media has created a Golden Calf in its own terrorist-sympathizer image.

  3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

    Notice there’s no mention here of “Allah.” Catch my drift?

  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.

    It doesn’t say here that you can’t lynch foreign dictators on the Sabbath and since there is no other Sabbath than the Christian Sabbath, there are no other Holy Days. “Keeping it holy” is the same as “keepin’ it real” which is the same as “keepin’ it simple,” which means don’t overthink things for Christ’s sake!

  5. Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land.

    No clause here about honoring your daddy once you succeed him as President. If that happens, all bets are off. You show him who’s boss!

  6. You shall not murder.

    As long as you don’t murder someone, everything else you do to him is totally permissible. Dress ‘em in black hoods, electrocute ‘em, unleash dogs on ‘em and don’t let ‘em sleep! If they should happen to experience organ failure as a result of your interrogation techniques, that is so not your problem! The doctors will exonerate you with their death certificates, and it doesn’t say anything about doctoring death certificates here, so--blessings all!

  7. You shall not commit adultery.

    Since adultery contains the word “adult,” it is okay to have sex with children. It is also okay to send children into a war under false pretenses. You know why? Cause it doesn’t say you can’t!

  8. You shall not steal. There is no explicit mention here about paying contractors billions and billions of dollars to take ownership over and reconstruct nations that we destroy. Also, there is no need to hold them accountable or ask them to share some of their profits with the natives. Stealing is what people do in liquor stores and that is totally forbidden.

  9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.

    This is one of those rare occasions when the law is meant to be taken totally literally. If you live at 22 Lincoln Avenue, don’t testify falsely against the guy living at 24 Lincoln Avenue, 20 Lincoln Avenue, or even the guy across the street at 23. Do, however, feel free to testify in secret military tribunals with false evidence if it will help keep America safe. Just make sure it isn’t your NEIGHBOR neighbor.

  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife...or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

    This one’s kinda like the last one, only it has more to do with your intentions. Do not take other people’s stuff, their wives, their nations or their lives unless you feel in your heart that it will make them free. If you have that freedom feeling and not that covetous feeling, then history will look kindly upon you no matter how many people have to die for your cause!

Deborah Kory, of Berkeley, Calif., is a graduate student and a member of the Network of Spiritual Progressives. Read more of her work on her blog.

Copyright © 2007 The Baltimore Chronicle. All rights reserved.

Republication or redistribution of Baltimore Chronicle content is expressly prohibited without their prior written consent.

This story was published on January 22, 2007.

Public Service Ads: