Newspaper logo  
 
 
   Operation TIPS Hotline Transcript, as Overheard on the line at the Jones Household

SATIRE:

Operation TIPS Hotline Transcript, as Overheard on the line at the Jones Household

by N.Z. Bear, to the best of our knowledge and belief

Hello and good day to you, fellow American! You've reached the automated voice response system for TIPS.

Please choose from one of the following options:

- If you'd like to report suspicious behavior by a co-worker, press 1
- If you'd like to report suspicious behavior by a friend, press 2
- If you'd like to report suspicious behavior by a family member, press 3
- If you'd like to report suspicious behavior by yourself, press 4

*3*

Thank you! You've chosen to report suspicious behavior by a family member. Please select from the following options the one which best describes the behavior which you wish to report:
- If your family member is stockpiling fertilizer and you don't live on a farm, press 1
- If your family member describes Bill Maher as a "great American", press 2
- If your family member refuses to accept that President Bush's business
practices have been fully investigated and are a dead issue, press 3
- If your family member refuses to accept that Vice President Cheney's business practices have been fully investigated and are a dead issue, press 4
- If your family member is performing Google searches such as "build atomic bomb how-to" and "WMD where to buy", press 5
- If your family member greets each appearance of President Bush on television by shouting "You will perish soon, infidel!," press 6
- If your family member has expressed doubt in the fundamental strength and decency of the American System of Capitalism, press 7
For all other suspicious behavior, press 9

*7*

Thank you! You've reported that your family member has expressed doubt in the fundamental strength and decency of the American System of Capitalism. To help us better understand your family member's behavior, please select from one of the following options:
- If your family member doesn't accept and understand that their 401K losses are simply a part of the genius of capitalism, press 1
- If your family member has made comments such as "Maybe that Marx character was right" or "God bless the French", press 2
- If your family member refuses to accept that if they don't buy consumer goods, the terrorists will have won, press 3

*3*

Thank you! You've reported that your family member does not accept that if they don't buy consumer goods, the terrorists will have won. To help us better understand your family member's behavior, please indicate what kinds of consumer goods they are reluctant to purchase by selecting from one of the following options:
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase food, press 1
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase clothing, press 2
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase household goods, press 3
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase properly-licensed digital entertainment, press 4
- If your family member fails to recognize that not watching the commercials on network television is a form of theft, press 5
- If your family member is reluctant to purchase the latest movie-tie-in games and toys, press 6

*6*

Thank you! You've indicated that your family member is reluctant to purchase the latest movie-tie-in games and toys, some of the finest products that our American System of Capitalism has to offer. To better understand your family member's behavior, please select from one of the following options:
- If your family member refuses to purchase the joint Minority Report/Office of HomeLand Security Junior PreCrime Investigator kit, press 1
- If your family member refuses to purchase the joint Austin Powers / CIA /FBI Master of Disguise Makeup Kit (including Austin Powers Teeth and J. Edgar Panties) press 2
- If your family member refuses to purchase the joint Lilo & Stitch /Immigration and Naturalization Service video "Welcome to America, Now Assimilate, Little Alien!", press 3

*3*

Thank you! Although failure to purchase the Lilo & Stitch / Immigration and Naturalization Service video "Welcome to America, Now Assimilate, Little Alien!" is not yet a crime, hopefully it soon will be, after the passage of the USA-BUCKS (United Senators Advocating Buying Unlimited Crap in Key States) act, sponsored by Senator Hollings.

We already know where you live, of course, but to ensure we question the correct family member, please enter your name using the letters on your phone's touchtone keypad:

*W* - *E* - *N* - *D* - *Y*
Thank you, Wendy! Now please enter your family member's relationship to you:
- Press 1 if the family member you've described is your sister
- Press 2 if the family member you've described is your brother
- Press 3 if the family member you've described is your father
- Press 4 if the family member you've described is your mother
- Press 5 if the family member you've described is your child
For all other relationships, press 9

*4*

Thank you! You've indicated that the family member behaving suspiciously is your mother. Finally, one last question: please enter your age on the keypad:
*5*
Thank you, Wendy, and congratulations on joining the TIPS team! We'll be sending a friendly agent by to check in on mommy soon. Have a great day!

Copyright © 2003 The Baltimore Chronicle and The Sentinel. All rights reserved. We invite your comments, criticisms and suggestions.

Republication or redistribution of Baltimore Chronicle and Sentinel content is expressly prohibited without their prior written consent.

This story was published on August 7, 2002.
  
AUGUST 2002
LOCAL NEWS
·NEWS BRIEFS
·GENERAL CALENDAR
· ELECTION: How Do US Representatives from MD Stack Up on Civil Liberties?
· Forgotten Insurrection at Camden Yards Shows How We Are Disconnected from Our History
· AIDS 2002: Public Forum on HIV Treatment Set for Tuesday, August 20
· One Year Later: What Have We Learned From the Baltimore Train Tunnel Disaster?
· How To Come Back from the Brink of Foreclosure
· Super Kids Camps Combine Literacy with Outings
· Sports: Football, Fun and Family
ART & ENTERTAINMENT
·Book Review: "The Outfit: The Role of Chicago's Underworld in the Shaping Of Modern America"
·Book Review:"Russian Experiences: Life in the Former USSR and Post-Soviet Russia"
·Operation TIPS Hotline Transcript, as Overheard on the line at the Jones Household
SPEAKING OUT
·EDITORIAL: The Posse Comitatus Issue: Military's Role in Domestic Law Enforcement Must Be Strictly Limited
·LETTERS
·MORE LETTERS ABOUT "TRIFECTA"
·King George Creating East-Bloc Amerika
·Die Pop Up, Die!
·SOAPBOX: Maybe We Need Protection from Protection
·Open Letter to America from a Canadian
·Open Letter to the owners and players of major league baseball...
·An open letter to the members of the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee...
·Condoleeza: Brown Rice As Bleached As White
·Why We Should Add 'None of the Above' to the Ballot
·Leo Tolstoy's Last Message to Mankind
NEWS MEDIA CRITIQUE
·The Washington Post and the Road to War Against Iraq
·The Washington Post and the Road to Dictatorship
NATION & WORLD
· Pervez Musharraf: What the West Doesn't Know--or Doesn't Want to Know
· History of Chávez: Why He Upsets DC
· (8/28) How's Chávez Doing?
· War on Terrorism or Police State?
· What Is the Posse Comitatus Act?
· Rep. Cardin Introduces Medicare Prescription Drug Bill
· Proposed Chemical Safety Bill Considered Essential First Step in Preventing Chemical Disasters
FROM OTHER SITES
· Websites We Like!
· Outstanding Analysis & Perspective

Public Service Ads: